Wrong!
Really, all of this won't bring them into a successful pain-free life. Cultivating your child into an affirmation guided, narcissistic, praise needing, overachiever, isn't what we are tasked by God to do as parents. The culture of child rearing has parents jumping to stroke our kid's ego, feeding the frenzy of a self-made identity. Now, I am not saying that we should not show affection or encourage our children, building them up in truth and love. Certainly we should nurture them, equip them, encourage, and train them. However, we live in a culture of child raising that is rather naive about the struggles of life. In fact, child-rearing these days is downright self-centered. This habit leaves our kids with a selfish attitude and a deep uncertainty about their identity.
But.. but..
They're special, everyone's special...
Huh...is that real life?
Honestly, it's rather shallow to think that most the precious thing our child can be is one of a kind. Sure, all people are unique creations of God. But there is so much more to being a child of God than simply being a special person with special dreams.
What Is Their Identity?
Real life is that we screw things up all the time. We can make up excuses to avoid the accusations of the law, but we can not hide, nor can our kids. Yes, kids feel this internal struggle. As parents given charge of child rearing we bear the burden of this with them. So then how can we help them? How can we help kids to know who they are as believers? The church's teaching that we are at the same time sinners and saints (not one or the other depending on the moment, but simultaneously) is very helpful. Here is where the theology of the cross becomes practical for daily life for our relationship with our kids.
Monkey See Monkey Do
Worse yet, we often times act like our sins aren't that big of a deal, because we're the adult. The mentality becomes "do what I say not what I do". Our kids have inherited their sinful nature from us. Many of the obnoxious behaviors we've seen them act out they've watched us do or heard us say 1,000 times over.
This is a hard pill to swallow, I know.
Life is an everyday struggle. Kids are well aware of the tension sin causes. Often they know when they fall short. Kids feel guilt, the devil threatens them with the law's condemnation. Kids also deal with the fallen world the way we do. They struggle with the bad stuff that happens each day. Things out of their control affect the way they handle life. Weaknesses of life take their toll. As parents we know kids will act out when they are hungry, tired, sick, stressed, insecure, going through puberty or struggling with temptation. The whys and questions swirl around their heads. It's easy for kids to doubt.
Kids need to know you know this about them.
Our children need to know we relate to them on the deepest level.
Our Heavenly Father knows our needs. Jesus experienced the pains of life in the flesh, family problems, rejection, loneliness. He knew temptation and strife. He took it on for us. He responds in mercy. "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom. 5:8)
Turn To Christ
The lament of Saint Paul is also the cry of our children. "The bad I do not want to do, I keep doing and the good I want to do I can't do."
Many times when mom says "make good choices" the child sighs within "ugh!"
When my son was 3 and learning to clear his plate from the table he struggled with the task and cried "I'm not a good jobber". I can't do it is often our cry when it comes to following the commands of God. We want to be pleasing, but we can't, and we despair. Our kids go through all of this too.
Christ has come to us in our need.
He knows that human works are like filthy rags. Jesus is there as the Good Shepherd, Great Physician, and Teacher for our kids. Using these titles for our Lord can help kids understand His care for them.
Jesus takes our sins and filth to the cross and dies for them. He washes us clean. In the waters of baptism, the sinner (Old Adam) is drowned. And even when that guy pokes his head above water kicking and screaming the Holy Spirit pushes him back under with the proclamation of forgiveness, life, and salvation. "We were buried therefore with him into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." (Rom. 6;4)
In Christ, our Heavenly Father sees us as righteous and holy. This makes our children saints in the eyes of God. His beloved children, which He has entrusted to our care. I don't think a parent can remind their child of this promise enough!
Many times when mom says "make good choices" the child sighs within "ugh!"
When my son was 3 and learning to clear his plate from the table he struggled with the task and cried "I'm not a good jobber". I can't do it is often our cry when it comes to following the commands of God. We want to be pleasing, but we can't, and we despair. Our kids go through all of this too.
Christ has come to us in our need.
He knows that human works are like filthy rags. Jesus is there as the Good Shepherd, Great Physician, and Teacher for our kids. Using these titles for our Lord can help kids understand His care for them.
Jesus takes our sins and filth to the cross and dies for them. He washes us clean. In the waters of baptism, the sinner (Old Adam) is drowned. And even when that guy pokes his head above water kicking and screaming the Holy Spirit pushes him back under with the proclamation of forgiveness, life, and salvation. "We were buried therefore with him into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." (Rom. 6;4)
In Christ, our Heavenly Father sees us as righteous and holy. This makes our children saints in the eyes of God. His beloved children, which He has entrusted to our care. I don't think a parent can remind their child of this promise enough!
Remember Your Baptism
The practice of reconciliation, confessing our sins and forgiving each other, is truly comforting. It is absolutely difficult. It's hard to admit to our kids that we sometimes lose it as parents? But they need us to model this for them. Show them what forgiveness is by forgiving when another sins against you. Husband and wife should make this a visible part of their marriage, just so that their kids can see. Allow your kid to remind you of God's love for you and others in the waters of baptism.
Ask you child to forgive you. Encourage this practice between their siblings also. Being comfortable with this practice will serve them well in adulthood.
When kids sin, do not withhold discipline, but more importantly show them Christ. Respond with empathy to the tears. Our kids need us to train them up. They need us to remind them of who's they are. Baptismal remembrance is a comfort for the entire family. baptism bestows us with our true identity.
When a child goes astray the parent is comforted by the external promises of baptism, and can therefore bring that comfort to a contrite and repenting child, teen, or even an adult child.
This promise is practical in all points of life, from the kid who colored on the wall, to the teen who is hurt by a fight with their peers, or the student who failed a test. The knowledge that we are saints and dear children in the eyes of the Lord is a sweet sweet balm giving us and our kids endurance though the struggle.
The Busy Family Needs Both Law And Gospel
Life is busy. Disciplining our kids, is a lot of law. Many times in the hectic routines of the day we find ourselves repeating "no, don't do that... do this." If I had a nickle for every time I've said "just stop it" or "time for a time out". Sometimes the consequences are natural, but many times we get to be the "bad guy" who lays down the punishment. It's important for kids to learn that there are consequences to sin. They need to know that when they sin it hurts others and themselves. People are wired to learn and grow though the consequences of our actions.
Discipline involves both law and Gospel.
Even on days when the kids are well behaved and life seems rather smooth, families need both law and Gospel. In bigger issues, it may actually be easier to turn to the Gospel in the midst of the hardship. Many times the big things will lead us to seek care from our Pastor. Good! That's what he's there for. However, it's relatively easy to forget in the smaller conflicts. We don't always have time to stop and reflect on a situation.
Take time at the end of the day to pray together. Confess together. Luther's Evening Prayer is simple, yet makes a point to ask for forgiveness. Talk to your kids about what their struggles are. Talk about what is going well. Help kids to remember Christ's promises by memorizing and meditating on God's Word. Take care to choose a devotional that is rightly divided, it's easy to find legalistic stuff, but harder to find resources that actually point to Christ. Discuss ways the child can work on avoiding the sin, when appropriate. For example, if a child is struggling with respect, practice respectful responses with them. Remind kids that we don't just sin freely, but when we do we need not fear.
Point kids to Christ's return when we will live in perfect holiness, the burdens of life will be gone, for eternity. Pray, "Thy Kingdom Come".
Go To Church As A Family
Teach kids what it means to go to the Divine Service . Teach them that the gifts of Christ given in worship are for them also. God's heavenly kingdom crashes into the chaos of the earthly kingdom as He gathers us around His gifts. Our kids have a place in the service, right along side of us. Invite young kids to fold their hands, teach them the sign of the cross. Help them learn the basic elements of the service, the words of confession, The Kyrie, Lord's Prayer, The Creed, hymns, Sanctus, and so on. Remind them that when Pastor stands up and says "your sins are forgiven" those are Christ's words for them. As kids get older talk about the sermon together.
Teaching about the Lords Supper is something that should be continual also. The true body and blood of Christ is located in, with and under the bread and wine for us. As sinners we revive this gift by grace. As saints it strengthens and preserves us in righteousness and holiness.
Going to church as a family equips us for live together through the week.
Sanctification Is Good News Too
Often times the "fruit of the Spirit" is taught as law. Things kids (and ourselves) should muster up from within. Sure we can try. However, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control are GIFTS! They are gifts that come freely to us, our kids, and all of God's Children through Word and Sacrament. We don't always see the fruit, we don't have to go on a hunt, but we can trust in the promise that the Holy Spirit is working in the hearts of our kids to give them these things. We can pray together that we may have these things among our family.
The redemption of Christ, justification by grace through faith, the promise of the Holy Spirit as our Helper who enlightens to life in Christ, and the hope of our Lord's return, encourages our children as saints and comfort them as sinners. This brings a peace that passes all understanding and a harmony into the lives we have with our kids and as families.
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